she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
