Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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