Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
