so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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