I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
