Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
