Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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