Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
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She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
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Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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