i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
