Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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