i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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