You're my little dorito
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
