never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my poor anus
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
