You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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