I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
