the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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