That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
