I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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