Whats the glycemic index on semen?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
