How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
