he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
