listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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