you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
