Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
