I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
