I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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