someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
