This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
