Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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