I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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