Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
