i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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