dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
