mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
