Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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