Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
