ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we have officially lost it.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
