He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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