K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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