Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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