good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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