Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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