Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
