She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
