is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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