I think I won the penis lottery.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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