They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
