Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
