ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
