i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
