you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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