just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
