Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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