a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
