I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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