I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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