You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
