she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
