How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
