I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
